Say What?!!!!

In mid-January of 2015 I felt a lump in the left side of my abdomen. I wasn't sick, I felt no pain, but was surprised enough by it to show it to my wife. Did some research and couldn't figure out what it was, but thought it might be my spleen. 8 weeks later I was at urgent care with pneumonia. In the course of treating that I mentioned the lump and told the doctor I thought it might be my spleen. She didn't think so, stating that the spleen was more towards the back than the front of the abdomen. A cat scan and blood tests were ordered. A few weeks later I was in an Oncologists office and I asked him, "am I here for you to check and find out if I have CLL?" His response was, "I don't need to check, I know you have CLL."

I was in a state of shock. I was shocked when I went to his office and realized it was dedicated to oncology (cancer), what was I doing here? I don't have cancer do I? And shocked to being told I had chronic lymphatic leukemia (cll for short). I guess I was expecting that for something like blood cancer there would be warning signs, or more obvious indicators. I did have an enlarged spleen by rationalized that away thinking my body was fighting some sort of infection. I wasn't prepared to hear that diagnosis.

What is going to happen to me? Can you treat this? Am I going to die,  I didn't ask all those questions of the doctor, like I said I was in shock. He said for now they would only need to watch me, and check me every three months, if all went well that would change to once a year. That was a little reassuring, but things still needed to sink in.

The next day the reality of what was going on really began to hit me and for the first time in my life I faced my own mortality. In prayer I told God, I didn't want to die, I didn't want to have my wife and children suffer. I broke down and wept, something that for me is a very rare occurrence. Then something wonderful happened. I am a Christian and a pastor, I have something I read called a devotional. (Actually I have several) For those who read this and may not know, a devotional is short bible passage with some accompanying comments. One of the ones I read was written over a hundred years ago by a man named Charles Spurgeon, called "Faith's Checkbook." I decided in my despair it would be good to read something which has encouraged me many other times. Before reading, this was my prayer: "God you know how desperate I am right now. I am going to read my devotional, and I know that it was written more than 100 years ago, but time is nothing to you. I want to pray that you reached across time, knowing where I would be and what I would be facing, and that You inspired Charles Spurgeon to write something that would speak directly to me today." The date of that prayer was March 26th. Here is the scripture verse for that day's devotional: (In the original it is the King James Version) Psalms 41:3 The LORD will strengthen him upon the bed of languishing: thou wilt make all his bed in his sickness. Here is that same verse in a bible version called the Message which is a more modern paraphrase: Psalms 41:3 Whenever we’re sick and in bed, GOD becomes our nurse, nurses us back to health.

Can you say wow!

You may not believe in God, but even the most hardened skeptic has to admit that is a very uncanny set of circumstances. My journey with leukemia is not over, in some ways I am a walking miracle and in some ways there are dark clouds on the horizon. (More on that in my next post) That passage in Psalms is for me an anchor of hope, I believe it can be one for you also. For those of you who have stumbled on this blog desperate for information and hope I want to suggest that along with reading everything you can on leukemia, you also read the one book that offers hope, and I recommend the book of Psalms as especially helpful in times of trouble.

I want to say that this diagnosis has had some very good effects on my family. My children (5) have rallied around me and expressed their love in ways and in depths of meaning that I could have never imagined. My wife and I are drawing closer than we ever have in our 32 years of marriage. Trials have a way of bringing out the best in people or the worst. For me and my family it has brought out the best, and for that I am very grateful. I have read the blogs of others whose family has all but forsaken them and left them to fend for themselves. My heart goes out to them. I close this blog with a passage from the Psalms for those who don't have the wonderful support that I have: Psalms 27:10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up.

In my next post I will tell you about my hepatitis C, and my overall good health while being stage 4 cll and on no treatment. Blessings for those on this same road I travel. - Maurice